OH hey hello, I'm back to this blog. I know I haven't updated in a long long time, but I've thought of 2 upcoming posts that I can do - one is an ultimate BKK guide, cuz people are still asking about BKK even tho I've blogged about it so many times before, & the other is a HK travel guide cuz I'll be going during end-August!! Yipeeeee.
Anw one issue I want to fix now is my pics on the blog. Why can't all my pics be viewed in my older entries anymore?? Seriously don't know what's going on. Anyone know a good hosting side where I can upload my pics or sth? Usually I upload my pics on FB then copy the url & post it here hahahha. But doesn't really explain why my pics can't be viewed here anymore cuz I didn't delete the FB album eh.. so weird. :X
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So anw.. I'm not trying to sound like a brat here. But I just have to get this off my chest. It doesn't really matter if no one understands what I'm talking about or referring to but I just need somewhere to rant & what better space to do that in than my blog right?
I go to work & sometimes I don't want to go in to the office becuz if my "boss" is not there, that means I have nothing to do, or no one to ask if idk how to do my work. Which basically means I end up doing nothing & just using my phone & wasting time. Which in turn means my boss is paying me for nothing. Yes, why do I even bother if I don't do anything & just shake leg & earn money doing that? Because my boss is my mom (for now). If it was just another employer, I wouldn't even give a damn right? If I was lazy or ill-disciplined, I would just sit there after I finish my work & not ask for more work to do.
Yet I am being accused of going in as & when I want & not taking it seriously. I admit that I AM lazy when I don't feel like going to work when you are in the office to give me work & directions, but many times I just don't want to be there if you are not there. I shouldn't have thought so much & just behave like a normal employee then. Like how I see your other employees using their phones & slacking off whenever you're not there. So much for sparing a thought.
You say I am ungrateful about how much you're paying me. No, I am not ungrateful. You misunderstood my words because we cannot talk to each other without losing our tempers. You think you are always right. You yourself wrote $13.11 and insisted its $20. Then you misunderstood saying I said you pay so little. Wow......
My room is extremely hot & you all just refuse to fix my aircon now that it's down. I understand that my aircon is beyond hope & servicing will only rectify the problem for a few months before it breaks down again, & that changing the whole unit means changing everything, including everyone's aircon in their rooms. But seriously, if you're not in my shoes you won't understand. Everyone's room is ok, so-so without aircon & just the fan. But the air in my room is SO HOT. I use the fan but it's blowing hot air & as a result I have not been sleeping well at night. Getting headaches in the morning cuz I wake up like 5-6 times a night. I even woke up at 3am & 5am to shower cuz my whole body was sticky from perspiration. I was even running a fever the other day. Can you even believe it. The weather in Spore is just crazy these few days.
Instead of telling me what can be done to fix this, you just ignore me & pretend nothing is happening. Of course, all of you have aircon in your rooms & you won't understand what I'm going through. I can't open my windows cuz if it suddenly rains, my laptop & makeup & everything will get wet & spoil. Wtf is this? I have to keep asking & make myself seem so pathetic & yet, I get no response. I had to go to my sister's room to sleep on the floor on a very thin mattress, at the edge of her bed & guess what, I smelt pee cuz my dog loves to pee at the corner of her bed.
You imagine how I felt? Worse than a dog. Sleeping at the area my dog PEES. Can you believe it. It has come to a point where I CRY every time I wake up from my sleep becuz it's so hot & I can't even believe the situation I'm in. Yes, you can say I can go somewhere else to sleep. I wanted to switch rooms with you since you don't use the aircon but you blatantly refused. What does this even mean? You just want me to suffer in my own room? I can't go to my bro's room cuz he wakes up very early, at 545am every morning. So where can I go? Can I go to my bf's house to stay? No, because you don't allow me to stay over at other peoples' homes.
Bringing in the job issue when I have already found a full-time job.. that I can overlook. Because I ALREADY found a job. So this nagging will stop. Yes I made mistakes in the past. But now I was already actively searching & now, I AM GOING TO WORK.
But here comes the worst of all.. bringing in my EX BF, saying he thinks this and that. Didn't I already tell you to stop talking about him, worst still, comparing with him? Why do you like him so much? What he says makes a big impact is it? Is he the president? If you like him so much, then ask him to be your godson. I am really sick & tired of this. Everytime we have a big quarrel, you bring him in. When will you ever learn to stop talking about him? I had enough. This is what drove me over the edge. You can criticize me, refuse to fix my aircon, do anything you want. FOR WHAT you must bring him in. Who the fuck is he now? Don't you think that you are damn ridiculous? & for this, putting aside everything else that we disagree on, I seriously think you are IN THE ULTIMATE WRONG. Not like you will ever apologize anw.
I already tried so hard the past 6 months, since our last big quarrel, to change. I started looking for a full-time office job like you wanted me to, I started to come home early on weekdays, & stay in on weekends, together w K. K knows you don't like his tattoos, he is trying hard to get close to you all, get to know all of you better, asking me to come back early, even when I'm home we make the effort to go to the living room & mingle w you all. All these are his ideas, not mine. As you already know, I'm the kind of person that is super defiant & can't be fucked. But for the sake of him, and for the sake of making things better between everyone, I TRIED. I tried to be open, to talk to you, tell you things happening in my life, chit-chatting, accepting you on Instagram, etc. I forgave you for stalking me, for stalking him online & on Instagram, I looked at the positive part of it & maybe it's cuz I'm not open w you tht's why you had to resort to doing that. & from then on me & him, we both tried so hard to be closer & open with you all.
Look what trying leads to. Nothing. In your eyes, there are only the bad things that I do. Yes, I am demanding as a person, I can be a really lousy & sucky person sometimes, but I also can proudly say I have tried to change so much. But you only know how to point out the wrongdoings that I have committed. Even when I say something, yes it sounded bad, my words could have been misunderstood. If you really think well of me, you will not misunderstand or jump to conclusions, you will stop thinking you are right & take a step back & think hard about the situation. But did you? You didn't.
Look back, when was the last time you actually praised me for something that I have done? I can't even remember.
Don't keep pin-pointing all the bad things I have done. Even if you insist on doing so, I can safely say I can admit & apologize that I may have done wrong. BUT CAN YOU? CAN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT? NO. YOU CAN'T.
No matter how much I try to improve things, everything is still the same. & so, I am very tired.
It's ok, no matter what I do, nothing will change, & I have now come to accept that.
I'm sick of acting & faking it.
This is an unredeemable situation in my eyes.
Now, when I'm here, I will just be a robot. No feelings, no opinions. I'm going to just sweat to sleep & think of the positive aspect, hey, I can lose calories when I sleep. I'm not going to ask, beg or quarrel over the aircon anymore. The job thing is done, I'll be starting work in June somewhere else. I'm done. With the aircon, & with this entire situation. I'm not going to ask you for anything anymore, & in return, do not expect anything from me.
I'm done.
So anw.. I'm not trying to sound like a brat here. But I just have to get this off my chest. It doesn't really matter if no one understands what I'm talking about or referring to but I just need somewhere to rant & what better space to do that in than my blog right?
I go to work & sometimes I don't want to go in to the office becuz if my "boss" is not there, that means I have nothing to do, or no one to ask if idk how to do my work. Which basically means I end up doing nothing & just using my phone & wasting time. Which in turn means my boss is paying me for nothing. Yes, why do I even bother if I don't do anything & just shake leg & earn money doing that? Because my boss is my mom (for now). If it was just another employer, I wouldn't even give a damn right? If I was lazy or ill-disciplined, I would just sit there after I finish my work & not ask for more work to do.
Yet I am being accused of going in as & when I want & not taking it seriously. I admit that I AM lazy when I don't feel like going to work when you are in the office to give me work & directions, but many times I just don't want to be there if you are not there. I shouldn't have thought so much & just behave like a normal employee then. Like how I see your other employees using their phones & slacking off whenever you're not there. So much for sparing a thought.
You say I am ungrateful about how much you're paying me. No, I am not ungrateful. You misunderstood my words because we cannot talk to each other without losing our tempers. You think you are always right. You yourself wrote $13.11 and insisted its $20. Then you misunderstood saying I said you pay so little. Wow......
My room is extremely hot & you all just refuse to fix my aircon now that it's down. I understand that my aircon is beyond hope & servicing will only rectify the problem for a few months before it breaks down again, & that changing the whole unit means changing everything, including everyone's aircon in their rooms. But seriously, if you're not in my shoes you won't understand. Everyone's room is ok, so-so without aircon & just the fan. But the air in my room is SO HOT. I use the fan but it's blowing hot air & as a result I have not been sleeping well at night. Getting headaches in the morning cuz I wake up like 5-6 times a night. I even woke up at 3am & 5am to shower cuz my whole body was sticky from perspiration. I was even running a fever the other day. Can you even believe it. The weather in Spore is just crazy these few days.
Instead of telling me what can be done to fix this, you just ignore me & pretend nothing is happening. Of course, all of you have aircon in your rooms & you won't understand what I'm going through. I can't open my windows cuz if it suddenly rains, my laptop & makeup & everything will get wet & spoil. Wtf is this? I have to keep asking & make myself seem so pathetic & yet, I get no response. I had to go to my sister's room to sleep on the floor on a very thin mattress, at the edge of her bed & guess what, I smelt pee cuz my dog loves to pee at the corner of her bed.
You imagine how I felt? Worse than a dog. Sleeping at the area my dog PEES. Can you believe it. It has come to a point where I CRY every time I wake up from my sleep becuz it's so hot & I can't even believe the situation I'm in. Yes, you can say I can go somewhere else to sleep. I wanted to switch rooms with you since you don't use the aircon but you blatantly refused. What does this even mean? You just want me to suffer in my own room? I can't go to my bro's room cuz he wakes up very early, at 545am every morning. So where can I go? Can I go to my bf's house to stay? No, because you don't allow me to stay over at other peoples' homes.
Bringing in the job issue when I have already found a full-time job.. that I can overlook. Because I ALREADY found a job. So this nagging will stop. Yes I made mistakes in the past. But now I was already actively searching & now, I AM GOING TO WORK.
But here comes the worst of all.. bringing in my EX BF, saying he thinks this and that. Didn't I already tell you to stop talking about him, worst still, comparing with him? Why do you like him so much? What he says makes a big impact is it? Is he the president? If you like him so much, then ask him to be your godson. I am really sick & tired of this. Everytime we have a big quarrel, you bring him in. When will you ever learn to stop talking about him? I had enough. This is what drove me over the edge. You can criticize me, refuse to fix my aircon, do anything you want. FOR WHAT you must bring him in. Who the fuck is he now? Don't you think that you are damn ridiculous? & for this, putting aside everything else that we disagree on, I seriously think you are IN THE ULTIMATE WRONG. Not like you will ever apologize anw.
I already tried so hard the past 6 months, since our last big quarrel, to change. I started looking for a full-time office job like you wanted me to, I started to come home early on weekdays, & stay in on weekends, together w K. K knows you don't like his tattoos, he is trying hard to get close to you all, get to know all of you better, asking me to come back early, even when I'm home we make the effort to go to the living room & mingle w you all. All these are his ideas, not mine. As you already know, I'm the kind of person that is super defiant & can't be fucked. But for the sake of him, and for the sake of making things better between everyone, I TRIED. I tried to be open, to talk to you, tell you things happening in my life, chit-chatting, accepting you on Instagram, etc. I forgave you for stalking me, for stalking him online & on Instagram, I looked at the positive part of it & maybe it's cuz I'm not open w you tht's why you had to resort to doing that. & from then on me & him, we both tried so hard to be closer & open with you all.
Look what trying leads to. Nothing. In your eyes, there are only the bad things that I do. Yes, I am demanding as a person, I can be a really lousy & sucky person sometimes, but I also can proudly say I have tried to change so much. But you only know how to point out the wrongdoings that I have committed. Even when I say something, yes it sounded bad, my words could have been misunderstood. If you really think well of me, you will not misunderstand or jump to conclusions, you will stop thinking you are right & take a step back & think hard about the situation. But did you? You didn't.
Look back, when was the last time you actually praised me for something that I have done? I can't even remember.
Don't keep pin-pointing all the bad things I have done. Even if you insist on doing so, I can safely say I can admit & apologize that I may have done wrong. BUT CAN YOU? CAN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT? NO. YOU CAN'T.
No matter how much I try to improve things, everything is still the same. & so, I am very tired.
It's ok, no matter what I do, nothing will change, & I have now come to accept that.
I'm sick of acting & faking it.
This is an unredeemable situation in my eyes.
Now, when I'm here, I will just be a robot. No feelings, no opinions. I'm going to just sweat to sleep & think of the positive aspect, hey, I can lose calories when I sleep. I'm not going to ask, beg or quarrel over the aircon anymore. The job thing is done, I'll be starting work in June somewhere else. I'm done. With the aircon, & with this entire situation. I'm not going to ask you for anything anymore, & in return, do not expect anything from me.
I'm done.
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